Atheist Rehab

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You've lived your life as an atheist and found it utterly boring- logic and reason are all good but then you miss the magic of life. You want to see lightning and thunderstorms and stand in fear and awe of the Gods who are most surely sending down the great bolts of lightning to strike down on a sinner's head- that and all the good looking girls are God fearing devout theists and they all think you are eccentric when you tell them you want proof to believe in anything. Why can’t you be normal like the rest of us? Therefore you've set out on becoming one of the “low self esteem weak cavemen who stand in awe of thunderstorms and promptly sacrifices his offspring to pacify the Gods”(in your own words of a week ago).

First step- You have to choose a religion. Yes, if you are going to do it, let’s go the full mile- none of the” I believe in God but not in religion” BS. Cuz let’s face it, that'd put you in a minority and again you'd be accused of being eccentric. Saying you don’t have a religion is to most people the equivalent of being an atheist but since you don’t have any special leanings and don’t identify with any single religion, you can choose between the scores of different ways to attain heaven.

There is no easy choice though. Hell by comparison is easily attainable- all you have to do is choose a religion. Choosing anything other than Islam, then Islam damns you. If you don’t choose Christianity then you are damned to Christian hell and so on and so forth. Most paths to God therefore take a detour to hell. So then that’s settled- bags packed to hell you set out to choose a religion. Well why not choose something cool then? You know - be different. Look at Norse, Egyptian, Celt, Greek and the Roman pantheon of Gods before you decide. They usually tend to be a lot cooler with superpowers beyond simple water to wine tricks. When the proverbial shit hits the fan and starts stinking to the high heavens you don’t want to be caught wrong-footed with the Gods having all the wrong skill sets. Thor,(one of my favourites) actually carries a huge hammer to strike down his enemies with accompanying light and sound effects and has a running comic strip by Marvel- how cool is that?? For more help on choosing your alternative religion and your alternative favourite God head to www.godchecker.com. They have the low-down on all the coolest movers and shakers of the heavens. And yeah then there is Valhalla where you go to if you die a warrior’s death. You are taken there by Valkyries who come down half naked on flying horses to take you there. Oh and did I tell you they are hot?

My advice- go for the religion with the hottest chicks or dudes (oh and if you happen to be gay I'd advise you against any of the newer (after Christ) religions- they tend to be pretty unaccommodative and vicious when it comes to things not written in their books of wisdom. If it ain’t written in the books, it’s not supposed to be- die devil -you get the picture). Anyways you have decided to live a life of blind belief and revealed wisdom, (you are expected to use none of your own. That could be blasphemy) might as well enjoy good company while you are at it.

Fight for your religious rights- Choose a religion with the maximum number of sanctioned holidays and then petition the government to call all of them public holidays since it would hurt the sentiments of people of your community if only the majority religions get holidays for their celebrations. That would be so unfair to the minorities. Hell you could topple whole governments for being insensitive to your minority and thereby going against spirit of the constitution.

Proselytize - You can also at a later stage build up your religion's base and when you become a large enough number, you can ask for reservations and have the big political parties eating out of your hand for your votebank. What do you know- maybe 2 or 3 generations down the line your religion will have the largest following and they'll call you their prophet or saviour or better still God's incarnation on Earth thus making you immortal.

Oh and when you do gain in popularity, the other non-cool religions will act like total losers and call forth Jihads, Crusades and Gujarats and kill a lot of your people. You can also retaliate in massive bloody orgies; everything you can lay your hands on is fair game in protecting your religion and killing off the hordes of unbelievers; everything from stolen nuclear warheads to the kitchen sink to become the unquestionably awsomest religion in the earth's history. Godspeed.

(Dis??)claimer: I am a practising member of the Church of the FSM. I was also an agnostic before I was touched by His Noodledom and converted. Life has been a dream ever since and I wanted to share the magic with the rest of you. I take full responsibility for any sentiments that may have been hurt and I frankly don’t care for I am protected by the FSM. I only act according to the wishes of my Master, the One, the only true God, His Noodledom- the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Those who seek enlightenment and who wish to know the true meaning of life please visit http://www.venganza.org

iMuse-1

I do not belong to any caste or religion-maybe by birth but not by choice. Does it make me an atheist-perhaps but a nihilist-never. Atheism can never be equated with a lack of morals, rather atheism or agnosticism is the the product of logic and reasoning, the product of a questioning mind- a mind free of dogma and fear, free from the man made chains of sin and the deceptive (and at best romantic) ideas of salvation,heaven and hell-a mind which has learned that the world is not so much in black and white as it is in shades of grey. From here on whenever I speak of atheism I also imply agnosticism and its shoot-offs thereof even including Deism. My wish here is not to disprove the existence of God but rather to strip off and lay naked the ugly entity of so called organized religion or revealed religion, that which masquerades itself as the only way to true salvation and the resultant attainment of heaven while serving only to keep the masses in the dark about the true nature and purpose of life. Organised religion and the resultant caste system is the malignant tumour on society that threatens to spread its cancerous growth until ultimately resulting in the death of its host-civilized society, while at the same time serving the interests of a few people who stand to benefit from it.

For long the atheists have been looked down upon as outcasts and misfits in society with their radical ideas and unquestionable logic that threatened the very foundations of religion and society. But then then he would rather not be part of a society that judges him not on merit or his contributions to the world but on his caste,religion or the colour of his skin. In a world where the morality of revealed faith equals the persecution of innocents, the free thinkers choose their morals based on principles of humanity and common good. Most atheists believe in the innate goodness of human beings and have faith and in the next person's innate morality unless they have been brainwashed by religion and instilled with a false sense of moral superiority which justifies the murder of people of other faiths for their apparent blasphemy and rejection of the 'one true religion' and its God(s).In a world which judges your character by the number of times and the number of temples you visit or the amount of time you spend in a mosque or a church, a person devoid of religion and its prejudices would rather measure it by your dedication to the progress of humanity and your devotion to development of your own faculties of logic and reasoning.

One major challenge that hinders the progress of humanity is a society filled with hypocrisy which refuses to or rather is afraid of taking off its blindfold. It is not the fear of God which is the beginning of wisdom but rather the elimination of fear that puts you on the illuminated path. If the world has to progress, society and ultimately all of humanity has to understand that we are here not for the service of any higher being but to be of service to each other and to ultimately ensure the survival of the species and of the environment that supports us.

Religion is the opiate of the masses - the corruption of their minds, the high that they seek in the bliss of ignorance and hallucinations of supernaturalism and magic fuelled by epics and gospels. It is the mad rush to worship god-men and idols that drink milk- the blood spilled in the name of holy land and unfathomable foolishness that justifies Ayodhya and Godhra, Israel and Palestine, 9/11 and Iraq , the "truth” that lies, the undying faith that will be the undoing of the human race.

Isn't it time you stepped out of naïveté and ignorance to that which you know cannot lie to you- your own logic and reasoning? What is it that propels you to debunk cold scientific facts and evidence in favour of Creationism to explain the complexities of nature? Why do you subject yourself to naïve Fideism and willingly fool yourself? Is the high of religion worth it or are you afraid to think?