Superbad

i dont really get the funda behind raising ur children as good"or perceived to be" good children....i mean the guys hu swears earlier in life are the guys hu turn out to be the alpha males of the grp and they get laid earlier in life and with a lot more women...i started life as a good guy but look where it has led me...i swear as hard if not harder than most of the erstwhile bad guys..i make innocent losers wish that they hadn't been born, atleast not in my lifetime...i'm badder now but its no use is it??the point being it doesnt matter where u start out..u always end up at the same place...of course being a foul mouthed bully right from ur childhood has its advantages..so why do we raise our children to be innocent lambs when they should be pokin their pencils into the next kids eyes and learning to stay on top of competition??arent we handicapping them??

PS im goin to try out putting in smaller spontaneous thoughts into my blog now for more frequent updates..excuse the bad spellings and the grammar and the dots in between

Atheist Rehab

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You've lived your life as an atheist and found it utterly boring- logic and reason are all good but then you miss the magic of life. You want to see lightning and thunderstorms and stand in fear and awe of the Gods who are most surely sending down the great bolts of lightning to strike down on a sinner's head- that and all the good looking girls are God fearing devout theists and they all think you are eccentric when you tell them you want proof to believe in anything. Why can’t you be normal like the rest of us? Therefore you've set out on becoming one of the “low self esteem weak cavemen who stand in awe of thunderstorms and promptly sacrifices his offspring to pacify the Gods”(in your own words of a week ago).

First step- You have to choose a religion. Yes, if you are going to do it, let’s go the full mile- none of the” I believe in God but not in religion” BS. Cuz let’s face it, that'd put you in a minority and again you'd be accused of being eccentric. Saying you don’t have a religion is to most people the equivalent of being an atheist but since you don’t have any special leanings and don’t identify with any single religion, you can choose between the scores of different ways to attain heaven.

There is no easy choice though. Hell by comparison is easily attainable- all you have to do is choose a religion. Choosing anything other than Islam, then Islam damns you. If you don’t choose Christianity then you are damned to Christian hell and so on and so forth. Most paths to God therefore take a detour to hell. So then that’s settled- bags packed to hell you set out to choose a religion. Well why not choose something cool then? You know - be different. Look at Norse, Egyptian, Celt, Greek and the Roman pantheon of Gods before you decide. They usually tend to be a lot cooler with superpowers beyond simple water to wine tricks. When the proverbial shit hits the fan and starts stinking to the high heavens you don’t want to be caught wrong-footed with the Gods having all the wrong skill sets. Thor,(one of my favourites) actually carries a huge hammer to strike down his enemies with accompanying light and sound effects and has a running comic strip by Marvel- how cool is that?? For more help on choosing your alternative religion and your alternative favourite God head to www.godchecker.com. They have the low-down on all the coolest movers and shakers of the heavens. And yeah then there is Valhalla where you go to if you die a warrior’s death. You are taken there by Valkyries who come down half naked on flying horses to take you there. Oh and did I tell you they are hot?

My advice- go for the religion with the hottest chicks or dudes (oh and if you happen to be gay I'd advise you against any of the newer (after Christ) religions- they tend to be pretty unaccommodative and vicious when it comes to things not written in their books of wisdom. If it ain’t written in the books, it’s not supposed to be- die devil -you get the picture). Anyways you have decided to live a life of blind belief and revealed wisdom, (you are expected to use none of your own. That could be blasphemy) might as well enjoy good company while you are at it.

Fight for your religious rights- Choose a religion with the maximum number of sanctioned holidays and then petition the government to call all of them public holidays since it would hurt the sentiments of people of your community if only the majority religions get holidays for their celebrations. That would be so unfair to the minorities. Hell you could topple whole governments for being insensitive to your minority and thereby going against spirit of the constitution.

Proselytize - You can also at a later stage build up your religion's base and when you become a large enough number, you can ask for reservations and have the big political parties eating out of your hand for your votebank. What do you know- maybe 2 or 3 generations down the line your religion will have the largest following and they'll call you their prophet or saviour or better still God's incarnation on Earth thus making you immortal.

Oh and when you do gain in popularity, the other non-cool religions will act like total losers and call forth Jihads, Crusades and Gujarats and kill a lot of your people. You can also retaliate in massive bloody orgies; everything you can lay your hands on is fair game in protecting your religion and killing off the hordes of unbelievers; everything from stolen nuclear warheads to the kitchen sink to become the unquestionably awsomest religion in the earth's history. Godspeed.

(Dis??)claimer: I am a practising member of the Church of the FSM. I was also an agnostic before I was touched by His Noodledom and converted. Life has been a dream ever since and I wanted to share the magic with the rest of you. I take full responsibility for any sentiments that may have been hurt and I frankly don’t care for I am protected by the FSM. I only act according to the wishes of my Master, the One, the only true God, His Noodledom- the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Those who seek enlightenment and who wish to know the true meaning of life please visit http://www.venganza.org